Last night I wanted to take my entire bottle of prozac.
Not to kill myself, no. But to make the symptoms of depression go away.
Obviously I didn’t do it, because A- it doesn’t work that way, and B- it would kill me.
…But I was at that point where all I wanted was to feel better.
It seems quite often that depression is the redheaded stepchild of the mental health family. It’s seen as something that’s not a huge big deal, that people can just “get better” because it’s all in their head. People see it as less important than other mental illnesses, as it’s not as “edgy” as say, Bipolar disorder, or the current internet favorite of Aspergers. . And everyone gets depressed, right? When your significant other breaks up with you, or you get fired from your job… or even some smaller things, like getting in a fight with a friend.
Depression as an actual mental illness is not that.
According to the U.S Library of Medicine, the following are symptoms of major depressive disorder.
- Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
- Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
- Very difficult to concentrate
- Fatigue and lack of energy
- Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
- Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
- Becoming withdrawn or isolated
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
- Thoughts of death or suicide
- Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping
This is my life with Major Depressive Disorder (And likely undiagnosed anxiety, but that’s beside the point). My issues will be different than other people’s…. I can’t speak for the entire community by any means.
Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
Small things can and will set me off. I can sit around and be watching a movie or talking with friends and all of a sudden, something tiny will make my shoulders tense up and my heart race faster. I can’t explain why something irritates me, and the rational part of me knows that it’s stupid, but I can’t stop the feelings. …Generally, it is the small things that cause this for me. BIG THINGS don’t seem to bother me anymore than they would a normal person, but something as small and stupid as a character getting special treatment in an online RPG or not being able to find the teleporter to Gotham City in DCUO will make me rage. …And then as soon as I get down from that rage, I get upset for letting such a thing get to me, which devolves into much worse than the rage. …I’ll get to that part in a bit.
Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
…I don’t want to go into the weight gain right now. Let’s just say that the weight gain causes even more mental issues, feelings of worthlessness and disgust.
Very difficult to concentrate
While writing this, I got distracted several times. I can’t keep my attention on one thing… some might say I have adult ADD, and while that is possible, it is also just as possible that depression is causing it as well. When I try to concentrate on one thing– be it schoolwork or work itself, I fail miserably. As a writer, I can’t concentrate enough to think of a specific word, and my entire flow dies.
In the middle of conversations with my husband, I will completely lose my entire train of thought. Why? I wish I knew the answer.
Fatigue and lack of energy
This past weekend, I did almost nothing but sleep. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed for a large portion of it– I very nearly decided to sleep through something that was very important to me. I went to bed at 7:30 am Saturday morning, slept until 11:00 am, managed to get up to go to a short Occupy rally and then a NaNoWriMo write-in, and was back in bed at 8:00 that evening. …That’s not bad, what with working the nightshift the night before and not getting to sleep all day, right? …Wrong. I was in bed until 3:00 Sunday afternoon, and back in bed at 10:00 Sunday night.
No energy to get out of bed. All I could think about was how tired I was. “But Katiroth,” you say, “You just got too much sleep. It’s a well known fact that you’re more tired and fatigued when you sleep too much, yo.” I couldn’t get out of bed though. Not when I was “supposed” to after eight hours. Not when I was in bed for so long. I had absolutely no desire or drive to get up
Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
I’m putting these two together, because they are the two that hit me the hardest. I KNOW that they’re irrational feelings, that I am loved and liked, that people care about me, but I can’t wrap the irrational part of my mind around this. No matter how much I’m told, I feel unloved and worthless.
It’s a daily battle between the rational and the irrational. I don’t have a problem with this when it comes to my husband, but my friends that I don’t see every day? I keep thinking that I’m only kept around for their own amusement, that they mock me every day, that I’m not cool enough to be around them. Again, the rational part knows I’m being stupid about this, but the irrational part wins most of the time.
….and that’s where the helplessness and hopelessness come in. When I give into these feelings, it’s the start of a slippery slope that drags me deeper into depression. I feel like I should be stronger than this illness, that I should be able to just “get over it.” And then when I can’t, the feelings get worse. It’s the same with the irritability. When i give into it, it just makes me feel worse. Then I can’t get out of the hole I’m in, and I often don’t know how to even start working my way back up. I just keep spiraling downward.
Becoming withdrawn or isolated
It’s no secret that I don’t talk nearly as often to people as I used to. Fear is a large part of it, really. Fear that I’m just a tag-a-long that no one cares about. It’s easier to withdraw than to face that reality– even if it’s not an actual reality.
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
/me waves to writing, drawing, designing, running, acting, and doing much of anything.
…Granted, I am getting back into writing, but it’s hard. Very hard. I often just want to go back to bed.
On the other hand, stuff I do enjoy…I almost try to force it. I will sit at my computer for hours on end, staring at a Second Life window, wishing someone would talk to me, but being too damn frightened to reach out myself. And then I stop enjoying that too.
Thoughts of death or suicide
I have been lucky. This has not been part of my particular case of depression.
Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping
I covered this in the fatigue bit.
…… I am not looking for sympathy, just understanding. I am trying my very best to get better. My husband says I’ve been doing well with it, but a lot of that is just getting better at hiding it all. I still feel everything acutely, I’m just normally able to put on a smile and act like everything’s okay.
Everything is not okay though.
All I want is to feel normal.
